“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
At first I simply laughed, but upon further reflection, I realized that Socrates was actually speaking a great truth. We do our best in choosing a spouse. Many of us choose wonderful spouses who suit us and live in marital bliss. Many of us do not. I can look back and see the danger signs that I plowed through in choosing Cassandra, but I alone am responsible for the choice that I made. If I choose to look upon this with regret, it leads to destruction. If I choose to accept my current responsibility, and choose to love, I too find tremendous happiness.
I know that my marriage is the greatest challenge I have ever faced in my life. This, however, is the task that God has called me to. It is my mission, my ministry, and I prove myself worthy for the challenge every day. If I make a mistake, I get up and keep moving forward with greater wisdom.
I watched a movie that inspired me this week and had a similar message. It is called “Glory”. It is about one of the first Black regiments in the American Civil War. The soldiers and their white officers faced insurmountable odds, but always kept believing in what they were doing and kept moving forward. Several of them were strongly influenced by the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. They eventually proved themselves worthy in battle, inspiring other Black regiments, and all who supported their cause. We now tell stories of them and are inspired.
What stories will be told about those of us who have challenging marriages? Will our children and grandchildren speak of our greatness and the positive difference we made in their lives? It is really up to us. I know the pain that one feels being married to a person with a mental illness. I know the pain of being accused of having horrible thoughts, I know the pain of not being understood or even listened to. I know the pain of not knowing what is happening to the person whom I love so dearly. Anthony Robbins states, “Pain is temporary, but eventually something else will take its place, if I quit however it will last forever.”
My friend Jim had a tough week. This is what I said to him:
Remember that no matter what happens, you are going to be OK. You are a
great person, you have a good job and your kids love you. You can get a
nice place, your kids will come to you, you can make good financial investments,
you have a good pension, you can give your kids a post-secondary education, and
I can go on and on. Sandra (Jim’s wife) has nothing to gain.
But, you also have to let her make her own decisions. That said, she is
responsible for those decisions and the consequences of
them.
Cassandra has spoken of divorce, and I have calmly said, "It
that is what you are going to do, I can't control that. It is not my choice, it
is your choice, but you also have to accept the consequences of that
decision." She gets upset and says, "Don't put this all on me." Yet,
the truth is, it is all on her and she knows that. It is the same with
Sandra. If the kids ask what happened to your family, you can honestly
tell them that it was their mother's decision, and Sandra has to live with that
forever. "If you love someone, let them go. It they return, the are
yours. If they do not, they never were."
I am not saying give up. Quite the contrary. I am saying look at the truth and reflect
that back in as kind and calm a way as possible to Sandra and the kids.
In no way am I saying to point the finger or to blame our spouses, yet we must respect their freedom, which includes to freedom to make mistakes. God loves us, but God does not control us. We have been given the gift of free will. We give that same freedom to others. At the same time, we continue to hope and to know that indeed, “All will be well.” We need to “see truth despite appearances”. There is a divine power which we simply have to allow to work. We need to “let go and let God”
“Happy the man whose own soul does not accuse him, and who has never given up hope.” (Ecc 14:2)
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