A few people have responded to my blog questioning why I would stay with such an abusive woman. That is an excellent question, and I have given it thorough reflection.
Basically, as with all things in life, we make choices. Sometimes the choice is conscious, sometimes it is not. I realized long ago that Cassandra is abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse are almost impossible to prove in court. I could have simply walked away from the relationship. The price of this, however, was one that I am not willing to pay. I will not walk away from my children. I will not expose them to an ugly custody battle. I will not leave them to fend for themselves with a woman who could then turn her abuse onto them (I have already seen this to an extent, especially in the way she speaks to my sons – fortunately my children have me to debrief with). She could also start a relationship with another abusive person and thus expose my children to even more danger. I also love my children dearly and love saying prayers of blessing as they go to bed at night, and saying good morning to them the next day.
My choice has been to remain in the relationship and to be a witness. I have thus written a book called FINDING THE POWER WITHIN: THE BLESSINGS OF A CHALLENGING MARRIAGE, I have started this blog, and I am making efforts to reach out to others in a similar situation. I believe that there are many of us. What has been tried in the past, trying to stand up for oneself, taking these abuse issues to court, etc., has only resulted in broken families and pain. I believe that there is a better way.
The key is to be strong within and to see oneself as a witness. It is also necessary to walk away from the abuse and thus take power away from the abuser. In fact, after reading Dr. Laura Leaf’s book, WHO SWITCHED OFF MY BRAIN?, I realized that this is indeed a good strategy. When a person is angry and allows that anger to control them, they are actually releasing more toxins into their brains. By walking away from the abuser, it stops the angry abuse and actually serves them as much as it serves us.
Recently I tried a different strategy. It worked in one sense, but I have found it very painful. I set my cell phone to record at the touch of a button. When Cassandra gets abusive, I record it. I have some powerful recordings that I can play for my counselor and discuss, but as I say, listening to Cassandra results in more anger. It is much healthier for us both if I simply walk away.
In recent months I have also learned to take control of my thoughts. By being mindful of my own thoughts, I have learned to choose to have positive thoughts. It thus has become much more obvious to me what thoughts originate in me, and what thoughts originate in Cassandra. When she accuses me of trying to provoke her, for example, it is very clear that I have done nothing of the sort, the angry response is clearly her reaction to something kind and innocent. This keeps me from entering her chaotic and confused world. Her issues remain uniquely her issues.
I am building my strategy around the teachings of Wallace D. Wattles in his book THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH. I believe that these theories work not only for getting wealth, but for getting healthy, satisfying, loving relationships. I keep the vision of a healthy and loving Cassandra, and a healthy relationship with her in my mind. It is very important to see this truth, despite appearances. That takes great discipline and power of thought. Somehow I know that I am right. I may not control Cassandra, but I do control my thoughts and my destiny. If Cassandra does not accept this love and this relationship, she will fade out of the picture, and all will be well. My positive, loving thoughts can only produce positive results.
I am seeing this happen with my friend Jim. This week things began to turn in his favor. His wife, Sandra, misrepresented herself and her situation to the courts and to legal aid in order to get a lawyer and to get a restraining order against Jim. She is now facing possible fraud charges from legal aid because she did not disclose all of her income and assets to them. She is also facing possible criminal charges for misrepresenting her situation in order to get a restraining order, as well as possible civil charges should Jim decide to prosecute. Jim is loved by many and it is well known that he is a kind, gentle and generous man. If it comes to trial, he will have no difficulty getting witnesses to speak on his behalf. Sandra is very alone, having only herself and her friend Jane on her side. Jim did little to create this scenario, it just happened as a result of Sandra’s thoughts and actions. Thoughts really do become things.
If you would like to read THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH for yourself, you can download it at:
http://www.soilandhealth.org/03sov/0304spiritpsych/030412.Wattle.Getting.Rich.pdf
May God grant you many blessings. I’ll speak to you again next week.
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