Empathy

Cassandra and I went to counseling this week and reached a decision.  There is temporary separation.  I am staying with a friend, and she is staying in the house with our child.  I announced my decision, as outlined in last week’s blog, and I am asking for Cassandra’s decision in three weeks.  That will give her time to move through the emotions involved and to make a clear choice.

My greatest concern through all of this is our child.  She could potentially lose the only home that she remembers and the sanctuary of her beautiful room.  I have already begun the process of learning to parent a child through separation and divorce.  I know that I have always been and will always be her kind and loving father, and that is beautiful.

Our other children are grown.  They are from Cassandra’s first marriage and I adopted them both.  The oldest was six when Cassandra and I started dating and eight when we married.  He was already badly abused by his biological father.  I’ve done my best, but our relationship is distant.  That is unfortunately very typical, I have learned.  I can’t see our relationship changing unless Cassandra herself heals.  Our other child was three when Cassandra and I started dating.  He and I are very close.  Through all of this, I am thankful for the difference that I have been able to make in his life.  He is a kind and wonderful young man, and he inspires me.

Despite the fact that I may no longer be with Cassandra, I still feel empathy for what she has gone through in her life.  She was horribly abused by her father as a child.  As I said last week, I am reading Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen.  It is the most horrific book I have ever read, and it could have been written by Cassandra.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship with an abusive person.  They likely suffered in a similar way as a child.

Feeling empathy for another, however, does not mean that they are not responsible for their behavior.  It does make it easier to forgive, which is very good and healing for us, but it does not make the abusive behavior OK.  Eventually the person has to come to terms with the way that they are behaving.  They have to make the decision, “Am I going to heal, or am I going to insist that there is nothing wrong with me and watch this person walk out of my life?”  This is the choice in front of Cassandra right now.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Christian