Empathy

Cassandra and I went to counseling this week and reached a decision.  There is temporary separation.  I am staying with a friend, and she is staying in the house with our child.  I announced my decision, as outlined in last week’s blog, and I am asking for Cassandra’s decision in three weeks.  That will give her time to move through the emotions involved and to make a clear choice.

My greatest concern through all of this is our child.  She could potentially lose the only home that she remembers and the sanctuary of her beautiful room.  I have already begun the process of learning to parent a child through separation and divorce.  I know that I have always been and will always be her kind and loving father, and that is beautiful.

Our other children are grown.  They are from Cassandra’s first marriage and I adopted them both.  The oldest was six when Cassandra and I started dating and eight when we married.  He was already badly abused by his biological father.  I’ve done my best, but our relationship is distant.  That is unfortunately very typical, I have learned.  I can’t see our relationship changing unless Cassandra herself heals.  Our other child was three when Cassandra and I started dating.  He and I are very close.  Through all of this, I am thankful for the difference that I have been able to make in his life.  He is a kind and wonderful young man, and he inspires me.

Despite the fact that I may no longer be with Cassandra, I still feel empathy for what she has gone through in her life.  She was horribly abused by her father as a child.  As I said last week, I am reading Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen.  It is the most horrific book I have ever read, and it could have been written by Cassandra.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship with an abusive person.  They likely suffered in a similar way as a child.

Feeling empathy for another, however, does not mean that they are not responsible for their behavior.  It does make it easier to forgive, which is very good and healing for us, but it does not make the abusive behavior OK.  Eventually the person has to come to terms with the way that they are behaving.  They have to make the decision, “Am I going to heal, or am I going to insist that there is nothing wrong with me and watch this person walk out of my life?”  This is the choice in front of Cassandra right now.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Christian

Decision

Successful people analyze the information that they have and come to decisions quickly.  They also stick to their decisions regardless of what others say.  In this way they are able to remain focused on their goals and achieve them.

I wouldn’t say that I have come to a decision quickly, but I have come to a decision.  I am going to physically step out of my current living situation with Cassandra.  In a counseling session with Cassandra on Tuesday, I am going to present her with two options.  I am at peace with either choice she makes.

One will be that she honestly look at how her past experiences of abuse in her life have impacted our marriage and begin to move forward in the healing process with me.  I would set up a separate apartment from Cassandra in the basement of our home as we work together.  I would maintain a healthy separation from Cassandra, both physically and financially.  This will provide the least disruption to our lives and to the life of our one child who is still living at home.  In preparation for this, I am doing a lot of reading to increase my understanding and empathy toward Cassandra.  The memoir Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen is very disturbing, but also very enlightening. 

The other option would be that Cassandra maintains her current position that the way she is treating me is acceptable and that I am the root cause of the issues in our marriage.  In this case, there will be a complete separation.  We will put our house on the market and work with a mediator to establish a legal separation agreement.  For me, this decision would be permanent.  The pain of legal separation would already be inflicted upon our child, and there would be no financial motivation for me to reestablish ties with Cassandra.  The investment of our house will be lost, and the majority of our family debt will rest on my shoulders.  I know that I will have no difficulty recovering from this, and it will be much easier to do so without Cassandra’s spending habits getting in the way.

I am really at peace with my decision.  As I am a traditional Catholic, I just finished a nine day series of prayers called a novena asking that Cassandra choose the first option.  If she does not, I will know that I have done everything possible to help her to heal and to heal our marriage.  It is like God saying to me, “You’ve done a good job.  Now I want you to move on and teach the world what you have learned from this experience.”  That is exactly what I will do and I am looking forward to the journey.  If Cassandra decides to heal, she will join me in teaching these lessons; but, either way, they will be taught.

In our counseling session we will establish how many weeks Cassandra has to reach her decision, and how the negotiating process will proceed from there.  I will keep you posted on our progress and I am grateful for your prayers and support.

May God be with you!

Christian

Becoming bigger than our problems

The most important thing to do in overcoming any problem in life is to simply become bigger than your problems.  I didn’t like who I was becoming in my marriage, I felt like I had lost a part of myself.  I began to meditate and really work on me, and I began to find myself again.  I also began to find the answers that I was looking for.

One of the reasons why I write this blog is because there is precious little written for partners trying to figure out their dysfunctional spouses.  This dysfunction could be caused by mental illness, trauma, abuse or any combination of these.  They can vary in severity and degree; however, there are common threads in all of them.  I am really not sure what is going on for Cassandra.  There likely is some form of mental illness, but I am not in a position to do a diagnosis.  I know that she was severely abused as a child.  This affects a person’s mental, emotional and spiritual development.  Being aware of my own thoughts and really listening to Cassandra allows me to see how her entire thought process is very different from my own.  We do become what we think about; thus, it is no surprise that Cassandra and I are moving in very different directions in life.

I find myself asking why Cassandra thinks the way that she does.  I just finished reading a very good book which answered many of my questions.  It is called What about Me?  A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse.  The author is Grant Cameron.  This book is very enlightening, especially for men.  I can see why a number of the conflicts between Cassandra and I happened through the years.  For example, I never understood why Cassandra was not interested in sex with me, no matter how hard I tried to draw her attention.  Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated.   Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, Cassandra would be in the mood and I would always respond positively.  Now I understand why this would happen.  Cameron explains that a man in such a relationship should never try to initiate sex, even in the most romantic way.  It has to be initiated by the survivor.  Sex can, understandably, be a terrifying experience for them.  Why didn’t anyone explain all of this to me this sooner?

I can see the road of healing unfolding for Cassandra and me.  We have to walk this road together, however.  Cassandra may not want to heal.  She may be unwilling to challenge herself, she may be unwilling to trust, she may be unwilling to forgive me for the mistakes I have made.  I can also see myself leaving this relationship and moving forward with my life.  Either way, I am moving forward. 

I have become bigger than my problems, and my problems are actually moving away from me.  This is fascinating and very beautiful.  If you are in a difficult marriage, you can do the same.  We all have such an inner greatness, we are such amazing beings, and life is so beautiful.  I hope that reading this blog helps to guide you on your journey.

May God be with you.

Christian

Hello Again

It has been a long time since I have written in this blog.  It is good to be writing again.  I have experienced much growth in the last several months, and I have realized some important things.

The most important thing I realized is that, though God brings healing, even He cannot heal someone who does not want to be healed.  I have been praying for years for Cassandra to heal.  This has brought me great growth, peace, enlightenment and joy.  It has not changed her, however.  She continues to be abusive, and is unable to see the problems that her behaviour causes.  The reason for this is because she does not even have the courage to admit that she needs to be healed.  I can do nothing about that.  Even God can do nothing about that.

Another thing that I realized is that abusive people do not think like the rest of us.  It is indeed true that we become what we think about.  An abusive person, likely because of what they grew up believing, does not understand many of the beautiful principles of life and ends up a prisoner of their own terrifying thoughts.  They do not understand, for example, that people are kind because kindness is its own reward, that it simply feels good to be kind, and though kind acts bring good things to us, we never know when or where those rewards will arrive, nor do we care.  I realize that I have a great deal to learn about the mind of an abuser.  When I married her, I thought that Cassandra saw the world the way that I do.  Now I see that this is the root of so many of our problems.

Finally, I realize that in order to follow God’s call in my life I may have to leave Cassandra behind.  I have told her that she needs to get help or that I will move on.  This is really the most loving thing that I can do, both for her and for myself.  This may be the wake-up call she needs.   I know that I have a beautiful and amazing future ahead of me.  I can even see my thesis for my Master’s Degree!  I can also see tremendous success for my writing.  Life is so beautiful!

Speaking of writing, I read an excellent book a few days ago.  It is called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel.  She really clarifies how and why relationships can be abusive.  My only criticism would be that she does not discuss the fact that many of us enter abusive relationships simply because we are nice people who want to help others.  One counselor explained to me that many men, for example, will enter a relationship with a hurting woman simply because we want to be the knight in shining armour.  Little do we know the challenges that lie ahead.  Beyond this one flaw, Engel’s book is amazing and I would highly recommend it.

May 2013 be a year filled with much joy, love, peace and happiness.  I look forward to sharing many reflections with you.

Christian

 

Thank you!

Thank you very much for reading my blog.  I am going to take a break from writing.  Please take some time to read my earlier blogs.  My journey with Cassandra has been, and continues to be, challenging and beautiful.  I have grown so much in Faith and self knowledge.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

In saying goodbye for now, I would like to share a few tools that I have found very useful:

The writings of Gary Thomas put Christian marriage into perspective, and I highly recommend checking them out.  Here is a link to one of his books:  http://www.garythomas.com/sacred-marriage

As I have said many times, Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Here is a link to learn more about that:  https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you on your journey!  Let's pray for one another.

Christian

Hosea

I have always loved the song Hosea.  As a young man, it spoke to me as the ideal of love.  I never thought of being loved, I just wanted to love someone, and this song spoke to my heart as the goal to strive for.  It is amazing how our thoughts become reality.  This is actually a good thing, we should all strive to love our spouses the way that God loves us, but it does pose a real challenge for us as humans.  Here are the words to the song:

 

Hosea

Gregory Norbert

© 1972 The Benedictine Foundation of the State of Vermont

Come back to me with all your heart.

Don't let fear keep us apart.

Trees do bend, though straight and tall

so must we, to other's call.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

The wilderness will lead you

to your heart where I will speak.

Integrity and justice,

With tenderness, you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

You shall sleep secure with peace;

faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

Being married to someone with depression is much like this song.  They are with us for a time, and suddenly they are gone.  We say, "Come back to me with all your heart.  Don't let fear keep us apart."  Fear rules Cassandra's heart when she is gone.

Then I notice that Cassandra physically separates from me, she goes into the wilderness, so to speak, and then comes back.  She stays until she is taken over by fear again.

In the end, she finds peace and is forever faithful.  We live together in joy.  That is the power of love.

I wish to clarify in saying that I am not perfect in love as God is perfect in love.  Along with the trauma of her past, my own humanity has contributed to Cassandra's fear.  One cannot forgive if one lives in fear.  Cassandra needs to find peace and security before she can forgive, before she can love.  Until that time comes, I continue to sing, "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living, deeply our new lives."



 

Husbands Love Your Wives

I heard a very interesting lecture this week on the teachings of St. Catherine of Siena.  She likened a person’s spirituality to a tree.  The root of the tree, the root of our spirituality, is self-knowledge.  This really struck me.  For years, I believed what Cassandra said about me.  In the last few years, I have grown tremendously in self-knowledge, and thus my spirituality has grown and blossomed.  I am so much happier, and so much more at peace.  In doing so, I can see things that I never saw before.

At church this week, I heard the reading from Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.”  Now, let’s look at that.  The Church has certainly not been perfect throughout history.  Many crimes were committed in the name of God, like the crusades and the inquisitions.  Still, Jesus forgave the Church for the suffering it caused His children, and the Church has learned from these mistakes.  The Church has also distorted the words of Christ to protect the interests of the powerful.  Jesus wants us to live abundant lives, but for so long people were told to accept their lot in life and that their reward would be in heaven.

I see so many parallels to this in my own life.  I see Cassandra doing hurtful things and twisting my words, making them unrecognizable to me.  Still, I am called to love her and be faithful.  “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health (and that includes mental health).” 

 The reading goes on to say that, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”  Well, I do love and respect my body, and I believe in my tremendous healing capacity.  I rarely get sick because when I feel a virus coming into my system, I focus on the amazing power of my body to heal.  That is how I am to view Cassandra, with an amazing power to be well.  Know what the problem is, but focus on the solution.  “All will be well.”

May God fill you with Grace and peace.

Christian