Becoming bigger than our problems

The most important thing to do in overcoming any problem in life is to simply become bigger than your problems.  I didn’t like who I was becoming in my marriage, I felt like I had lost a part of myself.  I began to meditate and really work on me, and I began to find myself again.  I also began to find the answers that I was looking for.

One of the reasons why I write this blog is because there is precious little written for partners trying to figure out their dysfunctional spouses.  This dysfunction could be caused by mental illness, trauma, abuse or any combination of these.  They can vary in severity and degree; however, there are common threads in all of them.  I am really not sure what is going on for Cassandra.  There likely is some form of mental illness, but I am not in a position to do a diagnosis.  I know that she was severely abused as a child.  This affects a person’s mental, emotional and spiritual development.  Being aware of my own thoughts and really listening to Cassandra allows me to see how her entire thought process is very different from my own.  We do become what we think about; thus, it is no surprise that Cassandra and I are moving in very different directions in life.

I find myself asking why Cassandra thinks the way that she does.  I just finished reading a very good book which answered many of my questions.  It is called What about Me?  A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse.  The author is Grant Cameron.  This book is very enlightening, especially for men.  I can see why a number of the conflicts between Cassandra and I happened through the years.  For example, I never understood why Cassandra was not interested in sex with me, no matter how hard I tried to draw her attention.  Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated.   Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, Cassandra would be in the mood and I would always respond positively.  Now I understand why this would happen.  Cameron explains that a man in such a relationship should never try to initiate sex, even in the most romantic way.  It has to be initiated by the survivor.  Sex can, understandably, be a terrifying experience for them.  Why didn’t anyone explain all of this to me this sooner?

I can see the road of healing unfolding for Cassandra and me.  We have to walk this road together, however.  Cassandra may not want to heal.  She may be unwilling to challenge herself, she may be unwilling to trust, she may be unwilling to forgive me for the mistakes I have made.  I can also see myself leaving this relationship and moving forward with my life.  Either way, I am moving forward. 

I have become bigger than my problems, and my problems are actually moving away from me.  This is fascinating and very beautiful.  If you are in a difficult marriage, you can do the same.  We all have such an inner greatness, we are such amazing beings, and life is so beautiful.  I hope that reading this blog helps to guide you on your journey.

May God be with you.

Christian