Standing for my Principles

I spoke this week about my current situation with a friend who has known me for many years.  I described to him what is happening and the decision I had made.  Either we look seriously at Cassandra’s issues and how they are impacting our relationship and begin to heal, or we end the relationship.  My friend is a very insightful, deeply spiritual, aboriginal fellow, and he said, “There is something very different about you now.  You have a different energy about you.”

I replied, “I’ve been able to detach from Cassandra and the situation.”

He said, “No, it is not just detachment.  You’ve established a principle and are no longer going to compromise.  You have said, ‘This is as far as we go, and no further.’  That is a really good thing.  That is the way it has to be.  Things cannot move forward in any other way.”

My friend is right.  I have finally taken responsibility for my family.  There is no more compromise.  Sometimes you just have to stand up to others and do the right thing.  When we do that, however, things always work out for the best.  Knowing that gives me tremendous peace.

I look back to just over a year ago where I really began to have problems with Cassandra and her family.  I wrote in this blog then about some friends of ours who had a horrible conflict in their marriage.  The father was struggling with alcohol and went on a binge.  He locked his wife and daughters out of the house.  They came to our house, and of course we welcomed them.  Cassandra’s sister was also at our house and was breathing fire.  The father is a good friend of mine, and being as drunk as he was, his life was in danger.  I said, “I need to check on him and make sure he’s OK.”

Cassandra’s sister turned and glared at me in a way that I have never seen on a human face; it was quite terrifying.  She said, “What do you need to see HIM for?!”

I just replied, “It is just the right thing to do.”

At that moment I really began to awaken.  I began to follow my conscience instead of doing what would please Cassandra and her family.  Any time we follow our conscience, it brings peace and joy, as well as blessings which we cannot even imagine.  Even when it makes us uncomfortable, it is ALWAYS best to simply follow one’s conscience.  

My friend and his wife are now legally separated and filing for divorce.  His wife continues to be best friends with Cassandra’s sister, and every time I see her, she looks quite angry.  Perhaps that is my opinion, however.  My friend has confronted his alcoholism, gotten the help he needed, and moved forward in life.  It is as if, after many years, he has begun to discover again who he really is.  Serendipitously, when I needed a place to stay as I left Cassandra, he welcomed me into his home.

And so my journey continues.  I am praying that Cassandra agrees to get help and work with me in her recovery process; but, I am also prepared to move on.  Prayer is an amazing thing.  Even if God’s answer  to our requests is “no”, great things always happen.  That simple confidence fills me with peace, joy and an indescribable optimism.

May God bless you.

Christian

Empathy

Cassandra and I went to counseling this week and reached a decision.  There is temporary separation.  I am staying with a friend, and she is staying in the house with our child.  I announced my decision, as outlined in last week’s blog, and I am asking for Cassandra’s decision in three weeks.  That will give her time to move through the emotions involved and to make a clear choice.

My greatest concern through all of this is our child.  She could potentially lose the only home that she remembers and the sanctuary of her beautiful room.  I have already begun the process of learning to parent a child through separation and divorce.  I know that I have always been and will always be her kind and loving father, and that is beautiful.

Our other children are grown.  They are from Cassandra’s first marriage and I adopted them both.  The oldest was six when Cassandra and I started dating and eight when we married.  He was already badly abused by his biological father.  I’ve done my best, but our relationship is distant.  That is unfortunately very typical, I have learned.  I can’t see our relationship changing unless Cassandra herself heals.  Our other child was three when Cassandra and I started dating.  He and I are very close.  Through all of this, I am thankful for the difference that I have been able to make in his life.  He is a kind and wonderful young man, and he inspires me.

Despite the fact that I may no longer be with Cassandra, I still feel empathy for what she has gone through in her life.  She was horribly abused by her father as a child.  As I said last week, I am reading Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen.  It is the most horrific book I have ever read, and it could have been written by Cassandra.  I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is in a relationship with an abusive person.  They likely suffered in a similar way as a child.

Feeling empathy for another, however, does not mean that they are not responsible for their behavior.  It does make it easier to forgive, which is very good and healing for us, but it does not make the abusive behavior OK.  Eventually the person has to come to terms with the way that they are behaving.  They have to make the decision, “Am I going to heal, or am I going to insist that there is nothing wrong with me and watch this person walk out of my life?”  This is the choice in front of Cassandra right now.

Please keep us in your prayers.

Christian

Decision

Successful people analyze the information that they have and come to decisions quickly.  They also stick to their decisions regardless of what others say.  In this way they are able to remain focused on their goals and achieve them.

I wouldn’t say that I have come to a decision quickly, but I have come to a decision.  I am going to physically step out of my current living situation with Cassandra.  In a counseling session with Cassandra on Tuesday, I am going to present her with two options.  I am at peace with either choice she makes.

One will be that she honestly look at how her past experiences of abuse in her life have impacted our marriage and begin to move forward in the healing process with me.  I would set up a separate apartment from Cassandra in the basement of our home as we work together.  I would maintain a healthy separation from Cassandra, both physically and financially.  This will provide the least disruption to our lives and to the life of our one child who is still living at home.  In preparation for this, I am doing a lot of reading to increase my understanding and empathy toward Cassandra.  The memoir Daddy’s Girl by Charlotte Vale Allen is very disturbing, but also very enlightening. 

The other option would be that Cassandra maintains her current position that the way she is treating me is acceptable and that I am the root cause of the issues in our marriage.  In this case, there will be a complete separation.  We will put our house on the market and work with a mediator to establish a legal separation agreement.  For me, this decision would be permanent.  The pain of legal separation would already be inflicted upon our child, and there would be no financial motivation for me to reestablish ties with Cassandra.  The investment of our house will be lost, and the majority of our family debt will rest on my shoulders.  I know that I will have no difficulty recovering from this, and it will be much easier to do so without Cassandra’s spending habits getting in the way.

I am really at peace with my decision.  As I am a traditional Catholic, I just finished a nine day series of prayers called a novena asking that Cassandra choose the first option.  If she does not, I will know that I have done everything possible to help her to heal and to heal our marriage.  It is like God saying to me, “You’ve done a good job.  Now I want you to move on and teach the world what you have learned from this experience.”  That is exactly what I will do and I am looking forward to the journey.  If Cassandra decides to heal, she will join me in teaching these lessons; but, either way, they will be taught.

In our counseling session we will establish how many weeks Cassandra has to reach her decision, and how the negotiating process will proceed from there.  I will keep you posted on our progress and I am grateful for your prayers and support.

May God be with you!

Christian

Becoming bigger than our problems

The most important thing to do in overcoming any problem in life is to simply become bigger than your problems.  I didn’t like who I was becoming in my marriage, I felt like I had lost a part of myself.  I began to meditate and really work on me, and I began to find myself again.  I also began to find the answers that I was looking for.

One of the reasons why I write this blog is because there is precious little written for partners trying to figure out their dysfunctional spouses.  This dysfunction could be caused by mental illness, trauma, abuse or any combination of these.  They can vary in severity and degree; however, there are common threads in all of them.  I am really not sure what is going on for Cassandra.  There likely is some form of mental illness, but I am not in a position to do a diagnosis.  I know that she was severely abused as a child.  This affects a person’s mental, emotional and spiritual development.  Being aware of my own thoughts and really listening to Cassandra allows me to see how her entire thought process is very different from my own.  We do become what we think about; thus, it is no surprise that Cassandra and I are moving in very different directions in life.

I find myself asking why Cassandra thinks the way that she does.  I just finished reading a very good book which answered many of my questions.  It is called What about Me?  A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse.  The author is Grant Cameron.  This book is very enlightening, especially for men.  I can see why a number of the conflicts between Cassandra and I happened through the years.  For example, I never understood why Cassandra was not interested in sex with me, no matter how hard I tried to draw her attention.  Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated.   Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, Cassandra would be in the mood and I would always respond positively.  Now I understand why this would happen.  Cameron explains that a man in such a relationship should never try to initiate sex, even in the most romantic way.  It has to be initiated by the survivor.  Sex can, understandably, be a terrifying experience for them.  Why didn’t anyone explain all of this to me this sooner?

I can see the road of healing unfolding for Cassandra and me.  We have to walk this road together, however.  Cassandra may not want to heal.  She may be unwilling to challenge herself, she may be unwilling to trust, she may be unwilling to forgive me for the mistakes I have made.  I can also see myself leaving this relationship and moving forward with my life.  Either way, I am moving forward. 

I have become bigger than my problems, and my problems are actually moving away from me.  This is fascinating and very beautiful.  If you are in a difficult marriage, you can do the same.  We all have such an inner greatness, we are such amazing beings, and life is so beautiful.  I hope that reading this blog helps to guide you on your journey.

May God be with you.

Christian