March 25, 2012

I heard someone say this week that, “The solution to all problems and issues lies inside of you.”  This is indeed true.  As a lover of both God and baseball, I have often said, “God never hits us a ball that we can’t catch.”  I know that all readers of this blog to not believe in God, but I ask you please to bear with me.

When dealing with a difficult marriage, the problems can seem overwhelming, and it is easy to focus on our frustrations with our partner.  The answer to these problems, however, lies in finding the power within ourselves.  The rest really will take care of itself.

I just finished reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  I really found his views on marriage very affirming.  We do not know what our spouse will be like when we make the promise to be faithful “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do we part.”  Yet that is what we promise, and in living up to that promise, we find tremendous blessings.

Those who read this blog know that I struggle in my marriage to Cassandra.  She suffered from terrible abuse as a child, she now struggles with mental illness and she can be emotionally and verbally abusive.  I have to admit that the thought of leaving her crossed my mind several times through the years, but it never seemed right.  In reading Thomas’s book, I understand why.  He states, “If you are living in a one-sided marriage where you feel like you are giving and giving and never receiving, my heart goes out to you…Remind yourself that you are also in a situation where you can grow spiritually by leaps and bounds.  If the heart of Christianity is service, any situation that shapes the spirit of a servant in you is worthwhile – even a lopsided marriage.”

Several years before I got married, I lived as a celibate missionary, and I contemplated living my entire life serving the Lord as a celibate.  I knew that I couldn’t do so, however, because I did not love that lifestyle enough.  I know that I made the right choice because being married to Cassandra has forced me to grow in ways that I never knew that a person could grow.  I have discovered an inner goodness in me that is so much stronger than any cruel phrase that Cassandra hurls at me.  I have also discovered a capacity to love and forgive that I never could have imagined.

In Thomas’s book he makes reference to Abraham Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd Lincoln.  I did a bit of further reading on the couple and I found that many historians believe that Abraham Lincoln was indeed an abused spouse.  Mary could not only be verbally abusive, but also physically abusive.  She may have suffered from depression and may have been bi-polar.  Later in life she was institutionalized in a psychiatric hospital for a time.  Still, her illness and abuse did not prevent Abraham Lincoln from becoming one of the greatest politicians in the history of the world.  In fact, it may have been one of the reasons why he was such a great man.  Abraham Lincoln clearly understood the power of love and forgiveness, and lived according to the strength of his own character.  He clearly loved Mary very much, yet he was able to rise above her dysfunctional behavior and accept her in a spirit of forgiveness.  Wasn’t the behavior of his nation very much the same at that time?  Yet he continued to move forward in a spirit of strength and calm, leading the United States through the greatest crisis in its history.  He is certainly a man whom I would seek to emulate. 

Abraham Lincoln was a very great man.  We all have the same capacity for greatness.  We just need to find it.

March 18, 2012

Life is a beautiful thing.  Each day I have the opportunity to learn more and more, and grow more and more in wisdom.  I love reading good books and listening to inspiring people speak. 

I have been reading SACRED MARRIAGE, by Gary Thomas.  He asks the question, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?”    Basically what he means is that by loving another person unconditionally, by putting the needs of another person ahead of our own wants, as we are called to do by our marriage vows, we are challenged to grow spiritually.  This growth naturally brings us tremendous peace, joy and indeed happiness.

Another of Thomas’s quotes states, “the institution of marriage is designed to force us to become reconcilers.  That is the only way we’ll survive spiritually.”  This brings me to a moment of enlightenment I had several months ago.  I was reading LEFT TO TELL, by Immaculée Ilibagiza.  This amazing woman survived the Rwandan genocide, hidden in a small bathroom with several other women.  After the genocide she visited a prison and met the man who had killed her mother and one of her brothers, and who had wanted to kill her.  She was able to look this man in the eye and say, “I forgive you.”  It was the most powerful passage I have ever read, and I was strongly impacted.  What I realized in that moment was the power of forgiveness.  Immaculée was released from the pain of anger, hatred and the desire for vengeance.  She is now a messenger of peace and reconciliation in our broken world, and a woman of great power and influence. 

After reading this passage, I realized the power of forgiveness in my own marriage.  I am able to forgive Cassandra for each tirade, for each insult.  I know that what motivates her to speak this way is a deeply wounded spirit.  I feel compassion and forgiveness.  Cassandra does not seem to understand what is happening, but I realize that the ability to respond with love is great power.  It would be so much easier for Cassandra to blame me for all of our problems if I responded by lashing back verbally, being unfaithful, etc.  I know that I present a great challenge to her.

This past week Cassandra went to her counsellor and came back saying, “There is no need to go to counselling together.  I want to separate.”  What is interesting is my response.  I see this as just another step toward our goal of going away together on a beautiful holiday.  I know that may sound crazy, but I can see “the truth despite appearances.”  I also know Cassandra.  So often she has insisted on having things to bring her happiness.  When she gets them, she is happy for a time, but the restlessness in her soul remains, and the anger and frustration soon return.  If she does indeed move out, she will be happy for a time, but she will soon realize that while she has gotten away from me, she hasn’t gotten away from the source of her pain.  That will be a very good realization.  Like the father in the story of the prodigal son, I will always be here to welcome her back.

Some may read this and think that I am crazy.  That is OK.  I may be crazy, but I am definitely at peace.  When I married Cassandra, I promised to be faithful, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.  There is great joy in finding a way to keep one’s promise, and there is great peace in following through.

March 11, 2012

I will admit that I am a believer in the Law of Attraction.  It is very consistent with my Christian faith, and with my own world view.  For a number of years I believed others who told me that this was unrealistic and that I needed to accept reality.  This is likely one of the reasons why I chose to marry Cassandra.  She seemed so grounded, so realistic.  Little did I know that she too was affected by the Law of Attraction, whether she was aware of it or not.  Little did I realize the impact her past would have upon our present lives.

Several years ago I watched the movie “The Secret”.  When I did, I said, “Yes!  I was right all along!  That is how the world is!”  I began a new journey of self-discovery, and it has been wonderful.  Ultimately, where we are and how exactly we are going to reach our goal is less important than actually having a clear goal.  I know that life is a challenge with Cassandra, but I also know that the day that I walk on the beach in the Cook Islands with the woman I love is a reality.  I just visualize it every day, and I feel it happening.

This blog is my effort to share that journey with you.  The fact that I am accomplishing this goal gives hope to many.  In order to do so, I must have a very strong WHY.  The person with a WHY can deal with any HOW.  The how can be extremely difficult.  In my case it certainly is, but I also know that I am extraordinary.  We all need to know that we are extraordinary, because we all are! 

I believe in myself, I believe in the goodness in Cassandra, and I believe in a loving God.  I believe in the heroism in each of us.  I can see my children thanking me, saying, “Thank you for keeping our family together.  Thank you for loving Mom.  Thank you for loving us.  You are truly a great man.”

Those of us who live with emotional and verbal abuse can take courage in the words of Eleanor Roosevelt:  “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.’”

While keeping this perspective, we must remember to take care of ourselves.  As I have said before, Holosync meditation has been a godsend for me.  You can check it out for yourself by going to http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

I have also found a counselor who supports me in my goals, helps me to understand Cassandra’s illness, and helps me to develop strategies in dealing with her in a positive manner.  In addition, I read great books, like Bob Molle’s GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE, and I listen to inspiring talks. 

Of course I also enjoy writing my blog and sharing my story with you.  I hope that Cassandra will be the woman walking along the beach with me in the Cook Islands, but I do not control Cassandra, and I do not control God.  Whatever happens, I am joyful and thankful.  "All will be well."

May God fill your heart with grace and peace!

Christian

March 4, 2012

A few people have responded to my blog questioning why I would stay with such an abusive woman. That is an excellent question, and I have given it thorough reflection.

Basically, as with all things in life, we make choices. Sometimes the choice is conscious, sometimes it is not. I realized long ago that Cassandra is abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse are almost impossible to prove in court. I could have simply walked away from the relationship. The price of this, however, was one that I am not willing to pay. I will not walk away from my children. I will not expose them to an ugly custody battle. I will not leave them to fend for themselves with a woman who could then turn her abuse onto them (I have already seen this to an extent, especially in the way she speaks to my sons – fortunately my children have me to debrief with). She could also start a relationship with another abusive person and thus expose my children to even more danger. I also love my children dearly and love saying prayers of blessing as they go to bed at night, and saying good morning to them the next day.

My choice has been to remain in the relationship and to be a witness. I have thus written a book called FINDING THE POWER WITHIN:  THE BLESSINGS OF A CHALLENGING MARRIAGE, I have started this blog, and I am making efforts to reach out to others in a similar situation. I believe that there are many of us. What has been tried in the past, trying to stand up for oneself, taking these abuse issues to court, etc., has only resulted in broken families and pain. I believe that there is a better way.

The key is to be strong within and to see oneself as a witness. It is also necessary to walk away from the abuse and thus take power away from the abuser. In fact, after reading Dr. Laura Leaf’s book, WHO SWITCHED OFF MY BRAIN?, I realized that this is indeed a good strategy. When a person is angry and allows that anger to control them, they are actually releasing more toxins into their brains. By walking away from the abuser, it stops the angry abuse and actually serves them as much as it serves us.

Recently I tried a different strategy. It worked in one sense, but I have found it very painful. I set my cell phone to record at the touch of a button. When Cassandra gets abusive, I record it. I have some powerful recordings that I can play for my counselor and discuss, but as I say, listening to Cassandra results in more anger. It is much healthier for us both if I simply walk away.

In recent months I have also learned to take control of my thoughts. By being mindful of my own thoughts, I have learned to choose to have positive thoughts. It thus has become much more obvious to me what thoughts originate in me, and what thoughts originate in Cassandra. When she accuses me of trying to provoke her, for example, it is very clear that I have done nothing of the sort, the angry response is clearly her reaction to something kind and innocent. This keeps me from entering her chaotic and confused world. Her issues remain uniquely her issues.

I am building my strategy around the teachings of Wallace D. Wattles in his book THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH. I believe that these theories work not only for getting wealth, but for getting healthy, satisfying, loving relationships. I keep the vision of a healthy and loving Cassandra, and a healthy relationship with her in my mind. It is very important to see this truth, despite appearances. That takes great discipline and power of thought. Somehow I know that I am right. I may not control Cassandra, but I do control my thoughts and my destiny. If Cassandra does not accept this love and this relationship, she will fade out of the picture, and all will be well. My positive, loving thoughts can only produce positive results.

I am seeing this happen with my friend Jim. This week things began to turn in his favor. His wife, Sandra, misrepresented herself and her situation to the courts and to legal aid in order to get a lawyer and to get a restraining order against Jim. She is now facing possible fraud charges from legal aid because she did not disclose all of her income and assets to them. She is also facing possible criminal charges for misrepresenting her situation in order to get a restraining order, as well as possible civil charges should Jim decide to prosecute. Jim is loved by many and it is well known that he is a kind, gentle and generous man. If it comes to trial, he will have no difficulty getting witnesses to speak on his behalf. Sandra is very alone, having only herself and her friend Jane on her side. Jim did little to create this scenario, it just happened as a result of Sandra’s thoughts and actions. Thoughts really do become things.

If you would like to read THE SCIENCE OF GETTING RICH for yourself, you can download it at:
http://www.soilandhealth.org/03sov/0304spiritpsych/030412.Wattle.Getting.Rich.pdf

May God grant you many blessings. I’ll speak to you again next week.

February 26, 2012

I came across a brilliant quote from the great philosopher Socrates this week. Here it is:

“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

At first I simply laughed, but upon further reflection, I realized that Socrates was actually speaking a great truth. We do our best in choosing a spouse. Many of us choose wonderful spouses who suit us and live in marital bliss. Many of us do not. I can look back and see the danger signs that I plowed through in choosing Cassandra, but I alone am responsible for the choice that I made. If I choose to look upon this with regret, it leads to destruction. If I choose to accept my current responsibility, and choose to love, I too find tremendous happiness.

I know that my marriage is the greatest challenge I have ever faced in my life. This, however, is the task that God has called me to. It is my mission, my ministry, and I prove myself worthy for the challenge every day. If I make a mistake, I get up and keep moving forward with greater wisdom.

I watched a movie that inspired me this week and had a similar message. It is called “Glory”. It is about one of the first Black regiments in the American Civil War. The soldiers and their white officers faced insurmountable odds, but always kept believing in what they were doing and kept moving forward. Several of them were strongly influenced by the writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson. They eventually proved themselves worthy in battle, inspiring other Black regiments, and all who supported their cause. We now tell stories of them and are inspired.

What stories will be told about those of us who have challenging marriages? Will our children and grandchildren speak of our greatness and the positive difference we made in their lives? It is really up to us. I know the pain that one feels being married to a person with a mental illness. I know the pain of being accused of having horrible thoughts, I know the pain of not being understood or even listened to. I know the pain of not knowing what is happening to the person whom I love so dearly. Anthony Robbins states, “Pain is temporary, but eventually something else will take its place, if I quit however it will last forever.”

My friend Jim had a tough week. This is what I said to him:

Remember that no matter what happens, you are going to be OK. You are a
great person, you have a good job and your kids love you. You can get a
nice place, your kids will come to you, you can make good financial investments,
you have a good pension, you can give your kids a post-secondary education, and
I can go on and on. Sandra (Jim’s wife) has nothing to gain.
But, you also have to let her make her own decisions. That said, she is
responsible for those decisions and the consequences of
them.

Cassandra has spoken of divorce, and I have calmly said, "It
that is what you are going to do, I can't control that. It is not my choice, it
is your choice, but you also have to accept the consequences of that
decision." She gets upset and says, "Don't put this all on me." Yet,
the truth is, it is all on her and she knows that. It is the same with
Sandra. If the kids ask what happened to your family, you can honestly
tell them that it was their mother's decision, and Sandra has to live with that
forever. "If you love someone, let them go. It they return, the are
yours. If they do not, they never were."

I am not saying give up. Quite the contrary. I am saying look at the truth and reflect
that back in as kind and calm a way as possible to Sandra and the kids.

In no way am I saying to point the finger or to blame our spouses, yet we must respect their freedom, which includes to freedom to make mistakes. God loves us, but God does not control us. We have been given the gift of free will. We give that same freedom to others. At the same time, we continue to hope and to know that indeed, “All will be well.” We need to “see truth despite appearances”. There is a divine power which we simply have to allow to work. We need to “let go and let God”

“Happy the man whose own soul does not accuse him, and who has never given up hope.” (Ecc 14:2)

February 19, 2012

This week I have learned about the power of prayer, and the importance of persistence. 

An amazing miracle happened this week.  I had been praying, “My dear Cassandra, I bless you with love and I release you to your highest good.”  The response in Cassandra was quite amazing.  She said, “I don’t know why I put it off so long, but I decided that I need to apply for my Master’s Degree.”  The deadline was on Wednesday, and the entire application process was extremely positive.  The reference letters were amazing, and we were able to focus for several days on Cassandra’s gifts and the positive direction her life was heading.  It was absolutely wonderful.  I thought that perhaps the long depression, which began on August 10, was over.

Unfortunately, once the deadline was met, Cassandra’s depression returned.

It is a great challenge to be married to someone with depression.  There was no Valentine’s card from Cassandra, and the card I gave her was not acknowledged, just as the Christmas and birthday gifts were not accepted.  I identify strongly with the story of Job from the Bible.  My beautiful and cherished wife has been taken away, just as Job lost all that he possessed.  Yet through faithfulness and perseverance, all of Job’s treasures were returned, and he was rewarded for his faithfulness.   There is a great deal of truth in this.  We see it over and over not only in spiritual writings, but also in history.  Victor Frankl lost all that he had in the concentration camps of World War II, but went on to become one of the best selling authors of all time with his book Man’s Search for Meaning.  This is a classic book of Faith, perseverance and controlling one’s thoughts.  Frankl lived by what he taught, and his life was one of triumph.

When a person struggles with mental illness, they can be very intelligent and articulate, their words make sense to them, and they speak them with conviction.  I find, however, that often after listening to Cassandra I am exhausted.  I have found that when I find truth, it energizes me.  It would then make sense that finding untruth would bring exhaustion.  What I typically do in these instances is pray for guidance and open the Bible.  The message that I always get is one of trusting in God and good overcoming evil.  I do not mean to say that Cassandra is in any way evil, but her words are not truth.  I have learned to accept and forgive Cassandra, to allow her to keep her thoughts, and to allow myself to keep my own. 

Regardless of our circumstances, our greatest freedom is to choose our own thoughts.  There are amazing books of wisdom now in the public domain, and one of these is As a Man Thinketh by James Allen.  Our thoughts determine our lives.  If we think thoughts of anger and hatred, we are consumed by these and this brings destruction.  If we think of love, kindness, compassion and forgiveness, we live lives of peace, prosperity and goodness.  It makes a lot of sense to me.  Despite Cassandra’s inner turmoil and her harsh words, I am at peace.  I control my thoughts, therefore I control my emotions, words and actions.  I know that much good will come of the challenge of my marriage.  Indeed it is a great blessing.

The book As a Man Thinketh  is small and relatively easy to read.  It can be downloaded for free at:

http://www.asamanthinketh.net/

May God bless you with peace and joy.

February 12, 2012

I came across a beautiful quote today:

“If you strive for justice you will attain it and put it on like a splendid robe. Birds nest with their own kind, and fidelity comes to those who live by it.” (Sirach 27: 8-9)

What that says to me is that those who are challenged in our marriages, who struggle with difficult spouses, need to be good and just, to seek to love, to pray and not seek vengeance. At the same time, we need to come together and support each other in efforts to live out our marriage vows.

This came very clear to me when I was talking to my friend Jim about the struggles in his marriage. He is so grateful that I reached out to him. He had no idea that our struggles were so similar. Just by being who I am and believing what I believe, I was able to strengthen him and help him to listen to his own conscience telling him to do the right thing. We can observe the destruction that hatred, anger and vengeance wreak on others. That is their own choice and part of their own path. We must choose to respond with love and faith, knowing that “As a man thinketh, so is he.” Anger brings forth destruction. Those of us who have faith can see the truth, despite appearances.

I asked Jim to look forward five years. Regardless of how his marriage ends up, what will his children say to him then? Will they say, “You ruined our happy home.”? Or will they say, “Thank you for being our rock through a very difficult time. Thank you for saving our family. Thank you for always being there for us. Thank you for being a person of love and integrity.”? The choice is ours.

I have continued to pray for my own wife Cassandra this week. Every day I say several times, “My dear Cassandra, I bless you with love and I release you to your highest good.” I also pray for Jim’s wife and for Cassandra’s sister, but I feel this prayer most deeply when I pray for Cassandra because I love her the most. Something is happening. I don’t know what yet, but something is happening. I was able to reach Cassandra with a grain of hope, sending her a positive affirmation at work by email. After that, we had one of the most pleasant conversations we’ve had in months. God is working, and I need to let Him work.

I also went to a counsellor this week. That was good because he was able to affirm what I am doing and what I believe. Again, a difficult spouse can make one feel all alone, like no one will listen to us, like we are all wrong. It is very important to find a person to trust who will really listen and help us to hear God speaking to us from within. What really came out in talking to this counselor is that I am on the right track. I am on excellent terms with all of my children, perhaps the best ever. They all feel free to talk to me about their ideas, and they know that I will listen. What a wonderful blessing that is.

I would also like to share a link to Centerpointe research. Though the link may make their product sound too good to be true, I can assure you that their product is everything they promise and more. This form of meditation, called “Holosync”, allows you to experience a very deep state of meditation by simply listening to a CD. Their support products and coaches are also wonderful. If you are seeking peace and understanding despite the chaos happening around you, this product will help. Here is the link:

http://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God's grace be with you in abundance this week.  Jim Rohn says that if you want success in anything, you need to work on yourself more than you do on that area of your life.  Find God living inside of you, and you will find many blessings in your life.