Becoming bigger than our problems

The most important thing to do in overcoming any problem in life is to simply become bigger than your problems.  I didn’t like who I was becoming in my marriage, I felt like I had lost a part of myself.  I began to meditate and really work on me, and I began to find myself again.  I also began to find the answers that I was looking for.

One of the reasons why I write this blog is because there is precious little written for partners trying to figure out their dysfunctional spouses.  This dysfunction could be caused by mental illness, trauma, abuse or any combination of these.  They can vary in severity and degree; however, there are common threads in all of them.  I am really not sure what is going on for Cassandra.  There likely is some form of mental illness, but I am not in a position to do a diagnosis.  I know that she was severely abused as a child.  This affects a person’s mental, emotional and spiritual development.  Being aware of my own thoughts and really listening to Cassandra allows me to see how her entire thought process is very different from my own.  We do become what we think about; thus, it is no surprise that Cassandra and I are moving in very different directions in life.

I find myself asking why Cassandra thinks the way that she does.  I just finished reading a very good book which answered many of my questions.  It is called What about Me?  A Guide for Men Helping Female Partners Deal with Childhood Sexual Abuse.  The author is Grant Cameron.  This book is very enlightening, especially for men.  I can see why a number of the conflicts between Cassandra and I happened through the years.  For example, I never understood why Cassandra was not interested in sex with me, no matter how hard I tried to draw her attention.  Honestly, I felt hurt and frustrated.   Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, Cassandra would be in the mood and I would always respond positively.  Now I understand why this would happen.  Cameron explains that a man in such a relationship should never try to initiate sex, even in the most romantic way.  It has to be initiated by the survivor.  Sex can, understandably, be a terrifying experience for them.  Why didn’t anyone explain all of this to me this sooner?

I can see the road of healing unfolding for Cassandra and me.  We have to walk this road together, however.  Cassandra may not want to heal.  She may be unwilling to challenge herself, she may be unwilling to trust, she may be unwilling to forgive me for the mistakes I have made.  I can also see myself leaving this relationship and moving forward with my life.  Either way, I am moving forward. 

I have become bigger than my problems, and my problems are actually moving away from me.  This is fascinating and very beautiful.  If you are in a difficult marriage, you can do the same.  We all have such an inner greatness, we are such amazing beings, and life is so beautiful.  I hope that reading this blog helps to guide you on your journey.

May God be with you.

Christian

Hello Again

It has been a long time since I have written in this blog.  It is good to be writing again.  I have experienced much growth in the last several months, and I have realized some important things.

The most important thing I realized is that, though God brings healing, even He cannot heal someone who does not want to be healed.  I have been praying for years for Cassandra to heal.  This has brought me great growth, peace, enlightenment and joy.  It has not changed her, however.  She continues to be abusive, and is unable to see the problems that her behaviour causes.  The reason for this is because she does not even have the courage to admit that she needs to be healed.  I can do nothing about that.  Even God can do nothing about that.

Another thing that I realized is that abusive people do not think like the rest of us.  It is indeed true that we become what we think about.  An abusive person, likely because of what they grew up believing, does not understand many of the beautiful principles of life and ends up a prisoner of their own terrifying thoughts.  They do not understand, for example, that people are kind because kindness is its own reward, that it simply feels good to be kind, and though kind acts bring good things to us, we never know when or where those rewards will arrive, nor do we care.  I realize that I have a great deal to learn about the mind of an abuser.  When I married her, I thought that Cassandra saw the world the way that I do.  Now I see that this is the root of so many of our problems.

Finally, I realize that in order to follow God’s call in my life I may have to leave Cassandra behind.  I have told her that she needs to get help or that I will move on.  This is really the most loving thing that I can do, both for her and for myself.  This may be the wake-up call she needs.   I know that I have a beautiful and amazing future ahead of me.  I can even see my thesis for my Master’s Degree!  I can also see tremendous success for my writing.  Life is so beautiful!

Speaking of writing, I read an excellent book a few days ago.  It is called The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel.  She really clarifies how and why relationships can be abusive.  My only criticism would be that she does not discuss the fact that many of us enter abusive relationships simply because we are nice people who want to help others.  One counselor explained to me that many men, for example, will enter a relationship with a hurting woman simply because we want to be the knight in shining armour.  Little do we know the challenges that lie ahead.  Beyond this one flaw, Engel’s book is amazing and I would highly recommend it.

May 2013 be a year filled with much joy, love, peace and happiness.  I look forward to sharing many reflections with you.

Christian

 

Thank you!

Thank you very much for reading my blog.  I am going to take a break from writing.  Please take some time to read my earlier blogs.  My journey with Cassandra has been, and continues to be, challenging and beautiful.  I have grown so much in Faith and self knowledge.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

In saying goodbye for now, I would like to share a few tools that I have found very useful:

The writings of Gary Thomas put Christian marriage into perspective, and I highly recommend checking them out.  Here is a link to one of his books:  http://www.garythomas.com/sacred-marriage

As I have said many times, Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Here is a link to learn more about that:  https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you on your journey!  Let's pray for one another.

Christian

Hosea

I have always loved the song Hosea.  As a young man, it spoke to me as the ideal of love.  I never thought of being loved, I just wanted to love someone, and this song spoke to my heart as the goal to strive for.  It is amazing how our thoughts become reality.  This is actually a good thing, we should all strive to love our spouses the way that God loves us, but it does pose a real challenge for us as humans.  Here are the words to the song:

 

Hosea

Gregory Norbert

© 1972 The Benedictine Foundation of the State of Vermont

Come back to me with all your heart.

Don't let fear keep us apart.

Trees do bend, though straight and tall

so must we, to other's call.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

The wilderness will lead you

to your heart where I will speak.

Integrity and justice,

With tenderness, you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

You shall sleep secure with peace;

faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

Being married to someone with depression is much like this song.  They are with us for a time, and suddenly they are gone.  We say, "Come back to me with all your heart.  Don't let fear keep us apart."  Fear rules Cassandra's heart when she is gone.

Then I notice that Cassandra physically separates from me, she goes into the wilderness, so to speak, and then comes back.  She stays until she is taken over by fear again.

In the end, she finds peace and is forever faithful.  We live together in joy.  That is the power of love.

I wish to clarify in saying that I am not perfect in love as God is perfect in love.  Along with the trauma of her past, my own humanity has contributed to Cassandra's fear.  One cannot forgive if one lives in fear.  Cassandra needs to find peace and security before she can forgive, before she can love.  Until that time comes, I continue to sing, "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living, deeply our new lives."



 

Husbands Love Your Wives

I heard a very interesting lecture this week on the teachings of St. Catherine of Siena.  She likened a person’s spirituality to a tree.  The root of the tree, the root of our spirituality, is self-knowledge.  This really struck me.  For years, I believed what Cassandra said about me.  In the last few years, I have grown tremendously in self-knowledge, and thus my spirituality has grown and blossomed.  I am so much happier, and so much more at peace.  In doing so, I can see things that I never saw before.

At church this week, I heard the reading from Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.”  Now, let’s look at that.  The Church has certainly not been perfect throughout history.  Many crimes were committed in the name of God, like the crusades and the inquisitions.  Still, Jesus forgave the Church for the suffering it caused His children, and the Church has learned from these mistakes.  The Church has also distorted the words of Christ to protect the interests of the powerful.  Jesus wants us to live abundant lives, but for so long people were told to accept their lot in life and that their reward would be in heaven.

I see so many parallels to this in my own life.  I see Cassandra doing hurtful things and twisting my words, making them unrecognizable to me.  Still, I am called to love her and be faithful.  “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health (and that includes mental health).” 

 The reading goes on to say that, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”  Well, I do love and respect my body, and I believe in my tremendous healing capacity.  I rarely get sick because when I feel a virus coming into my system, I focus on the amazing power of my body to heal.  That is how I am to view Cassandra, with an amazing power to be well.  Know what the problem is, but focus on the solution.  “All will be well.”

May God fill you with Grace and peace.

Christian

Looking Back

Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I get myself into this situation?”  I believe that it is important to take full responsibility for where we are in life, and to acknowledge who we are.  For me, I know that I am a “helper”.  I was raised in an upper middle class home, and I’ve always wanted to share the blessings that I was given with others.  I spent a number of years as a missionary, always trying to serve the least fortunate.  As a teacher, I am most effective with students who really struggle.  It’s not that I have a saviour complex, I just like doing that sort of thing, and I find it really rewarding.  I just accept people for who they are, and we have a wonderful time together.

It is not surprising that I had the same attitude when finding a spouse.  Cassandra was a single mother with two young children when I met her.  She was also very intelligent and extremely beautiful.  I remembered learning that before a person goes into a new relationship, they need to heal from the last one.  Cassandra was going through a divorce, but hadn’t been with her first husband for quite some time.  On our first date I asked her, “Have you healed from your marriage?”  She thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I have.  I have two beautiful boys from the relationship and I’m thankful for them.”  What she meant was, “I’ve put things in perspective.”  Because I really wanted to be in a relationship with Cassandra, I heard, “Yes, I’m healed.  I’m ready to be in a relationship with you.”  Later I found out that Cassandra had been abused as a child, and that her first husband was also abusive.  I should have taken a step back from the relationship at that time, but I chose not to.  That was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it.  I’m not beating myself up over it, I did the best that I could with what I had to work with at that time.  I had the knowledge, but I lacked the wisdom.

It is said that God writes straight with crooked lines.  This time with Cassandra has been an amazing journey of self-discovery, especially the last two years.  Yes, Cassandra needs to finally heal, and I need to continue to move forward in life.  The solution may be for me to make a career change and work overseas.  The next few months will tell a great deal.  I am excited to see what happens.  Life is a beautiful adventure.  Take responsibility, and always be thankful.

Christian

Moving Forward

It is amazing how great life can be when you are moving forward and trying to make the world a better place.  This week I visited a Thought Field Therapy practitioner in order to learn about using this therapy for students in my school district.  What I found was an amazing tool that I want to share with readers of this blog.  The practitioner asked me to imagine a stressful situation.  I spoke about tension I feel when being confronted by Cassandra.  I never know what I am going to be met with when I walk through my front door.  What will I be accused of?  What have I “done” to upset Cassandra this time?  The practitioner was able to walk me through the feelings of this confrontation and I was able to let them go.  In doing so, I realized that Cassandra has no power over me.  I can simply walk away from her when she acts this way.  I also realized that, as Victor Frankl says, “Suffering ceases to be suffering when we give meaning to it.”  How many of my students feel the same way when they walk through the door of their homes?  How many of my readers feel this way?   What kind of a difference am I making in their lives because I know how they feel, and I can show them how to overcome the fear and thrive?

I also made another discovery this week.  I have written many times about how Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Though it is not linked to any particular spirituality, I have commented that it has deepened my Christian Faith.  I now understand why.  According to Thresholds of the Mind by Bill Harris, “You can approach this program (Holosync) from any religious point of view without compromising your faith.  You can think of it merely as a way of reordering your brain to help it accept life’s challenges and opportunities with greater equanimity and without fear.  If you are part of a faith community, however, you can use your faith as the center for the work you do through Centerpointe.”  (p. 10) He also states, and this is definitely what I experienced, “participants also report a deeper connection to the world around them, as well as a deeper connection to the Divine, God, Higher Power, the Universe (or however you understand the concept).” (p. 9)

We live in a beautiful and amazing world where new tools are being developed every day to help us to deal with the challenges we face and move forward in life.  When we become aware, when we are able to heal and forgive, we are able to once again find our true selves.  We are able to make positive choices and do great things.  Hopefully our loved ones choose to heal, forgive and move forward with us, but God has given us all free will and they must choose for themselves.

For more information on Thought Field Therapy, go to:  http://www.rogercallahan.com/index.php

For more information on Holosync meditation, go to: https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you with grace and peace on your journey of discovery!

Christian