The Alchemist

I returned home from camp this week.  It is good to be home.  I missed my family, as well as such comforts as sleeping in the same building where the bathroom is.  While I was away, I noticed that Cassandra had continued her efforts to move away from me.  She converted her office into a bedroom and moved out of the master bedroom.  She created a beautiful space for herself.  Some husbands may see that as a bad thing, but I understand Cassandra and understand her needs.  She came out of an abusive home, and has never been out of a relationship with a man for any significant length of time.  She has therefore never been able to come to a point of healing.  All of her relationships with men, except mine, have ended badly.  I have no problem giving her the space she needs to grow.  That is one of the reasons why I was so happy when I was at camp, I knew that Cassandra needed the time.  “If you love something, let it go.  If it returns to you it is yours, if it does not, it never was.”

This view on love is affirmed over and over in an amazing book that I am reading right now called The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  The boy in the story falls in love with a girl at a desert oasis.   He is struggling with leaving her to pursue his dream and continue on his journey.  She says to him, “I want you to continue toward your goal….the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes.  That is the way it will be with our love for each other.”  This also defines my love for Cassandra.  My role in loving her is to continue to support her in following her dreams, in finding herself, even if she does not realize it.

The Alchemist is about far more than relationships.  It is about pursuing our purpose in life.  As I read, I think of my own goals, my own dreams, my own destiny, my own Personal Legend.  It is a beautiful adventure.  In a way, a book like this is an oasis in the desert of life with a loved one with mental illness.  It is so important and beautiful to step away from the distorted reality of Cassandra and find Truth.  In doing so, I can analyze my journey toward my Personal Legend and realize that Cassandra is an important part of that.  In the chaos of her world, I have found myself, just as Victor Frankl found truth and inner power in Nazi concentration camps.  There is nothing in the universe that can stop a person from moving toward his/her own Personal Legend, except for the choices that we ourselves make. Life is a beautiful adventure!

The Eagle

July 29, 2012

I have not written my blog for almost two months.  I still continue to write, however.  Writing is so powerful and so healing.   Cassandra’s depression returned in late May.  Life with her has again become a great challenge.

At this moment, I am away from home working in a beautiful Christian summer camp.  I love my work here, and I love this place.  On Friday, after the campers went home, I took out a kayak on my own.  I paddled on the calm waters of a huge lake.  I could see a town and cottages in a distance, but mostly I saw the vast power of nature.  I could see God’s hand at work and I could feel the immensity of his blessing.  I saw a beautiful bald eagle perched in a tree.  I stopped and just watched, and I was so thankful.  What blessings are showered upon me!  How many people in our fast paced modern world are able to silently embrace the beauty and power of our amazing world?

I have been away from Cassandra and my home for over two weeks now.  Cassandra rarely wants to talk on the phone.  She and our children are in my prayers, but I do enjoy the time away.  I’ve been doing this job for three years.  In the past, I felt restless without my family around.  Now I am aware that this is part of the healing process.  I embrace that fact, and I am happy.  I also realize that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I pray for Cassandra to choose to heal.  If she chooses not to, my life continues on.  Children are eventually drawn to the parent who is kind, loving and understanding.  I don’t have to fight for my children, I don’t have to compete with Cassandra for their attention, they know that I love and accept them and always welcome the time that we are able to spend together.  All will be well.

A few days before I left home, Cassandra was ranting.  I closed my eyes and simply listened.  I could see Cassandra hanging from a rope in a bombed out city.  Then she mentioned Lourdes, France.  When she was a child, a very kind teacher from her elementary school took Cassandra and another girl from her class to Lourdes.  I could see Cassandra walking into a clearing.  This was the one point in her life where she found peace.  Lourdes is a place renowned for healing.  I found a novena (a nine day series of prayers) to Our Lady of Lourdes.  I began praying it every night.  The day after I completed the novena, Cassandra told me that she would like to go to a counselor together again.  There are indeed forces much more powerful than ourselves working in the universe.  I am not sure what will come of this, but I know that all will be well.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope to be able to write again next week.  May the blessings of the Lord be upon you.

June 4, 2012

Somehow Cassandra found out about my blog, and she has asked me to stop.

My intention has always been to share my story of love and acceptance of another person, and to inspire others to do the same. 

I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and the reason for this recent set back will be revealed in time.  As Julian of Norwich said, "All will be well".

Thank you for reading and thank you for your wonderful feedback.  I will resume this blog when I can. 

May your lives be filled with blessings and peace!

Christian

The Power of Forgiveness

May 27, 2012

 I came across a beautiful quote by Mahatma Gandhi this week, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

How misunderstood forgiveness is in our world.  It is seen by many as giving in, as letting others take advantage of us.  This is not the case at all, for those who really forgive are people of tremendous power.

I really don’t know if I truly understood forgiveness until I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but that is simply because it had such a tremendous impact on me.  Immaculée, a survivor of the Rwandan Genocide, was able to face the man who killed her mother and brother and who wanted to kill her, and say, “I forgive you.”  She thus took power over her circumstance and moved forward to be the person she was truly meant to be.

In forgiving Cassandra, I am able to let go of any hurt feelings, any resentment, any pain.  I am really able to follow the example of Jesus on the cross when he said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  Cassandra really does not know what she is doing when she says hurtful things to me.  It is her pain that is talking, it is her inability to forgive, it is her depression.  It has very little to do with me.  Because she is unaware of why she is acting as she is, she really “does not know what she does.”  Of course I forgive her. 

I don’t know if I can put into words the transformation that took place in me after I read Immaculée’s book.  It was certainly a moment of empowerment.  I could not control what Cassandra said or did, but I could control my response to it.  Forgiveness released me from her pain and from her judgement.  I had certainly become strong.

I had always believed that good was more powerful than evil, but I didn’t understand how it could be since evil caused so much pain in the world that good seemed powerless to overcome.  Now I understood.  I did not need to seek vengeance against Cassandra.  I did not have to justify myself to her.  I simply needed to forgive, and forgiving has freed me to love more deeply.  It is almost like a parent’s attitude toward their child.  We accept, we forgive, we love and we move on to the next adventure in life.  Our children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, the experience of being loved and accepted, and grow to be the people that they are meant to be.  It is the same when we are forgiven by God for our transgressions.  Even if we make the same mistake over and over, we are forgiven over and over, and eventually we become the people we are meant to be. 

As a result of forgiveness, I have seen Cassandra begin to blossom.  There is a transformation taking place.  I cannot speak for her thoughts, I can only speak for my own.   I accept that things she has said and done have been hurtful.   I release that hurt and I forgive.  The hurt is gone, and I move forward in loving myself and in loving Cassandra and our children.  That is true strength.  Perhaps it is why Cassandra has chosen to change for the better.

Monday, May 21, 2012

First of all, my apologies to readers who looked for my blog yesterday.  That brings me to an important realization in living with a person who struggle with mental illness.  Sometimes it is necessary to drop what is important to me due to the needs of my partner.  I suppose this is normal in any relationship, but it is even more so in a case like mine.  Certain things seem to trigger Cassandra.  These include doing extra work for my job at home, sleeping when she is not sleeping, working on a computer, and being too busy to meet her needs.  I suspect that this has to do with being rejected or ignored as a child, but I cannot say for sure.  What is important is to know that it is part of my reality.

That brings me to an excellent quote that I came across this week.  Anthony Robbins states, "Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions.”

Cassandra has her struggles with depression, anger and anxiety.  She can be very reactive and her words can be harsh and cruel.  That is a fact.  What is more important, however, is the solution.  The solution in my case was to first become aware of my own goodness.  Thus I can see clearly which difficulties in our relationship are caused by me, and which are caused by Cassandra’s struggles.  This allowsme to see the truth and to come up with further solutions.  These solutions may be taking time to listen, putting down what I am doing to help Cassandra, supporting her goals, putting my wants aside, taking time for myself by meditating, exercising or learning, and simply growing in awareness as to the challenges of living with a person who struggles so greatly to make sense of the world.

These efforts are not without reward.  Through counselling, reading and reflection, Cassandra has begun to question her world view.  She asks questions that she never would have asked before.  Instead of asking, “Why did that person speak to me so disrespectfully?”   She is asking, “Why am I reacting to this person this way?  Did they really mean to be disrespectful, or am I reading too much into this?”  That is tremendous progress, and the thought of it gives me great joy.

Give power and energy to your solutions.  Have a wonderful week!

Christian

Mother’s Day, 2012

I have come across some powerful quotes this week which tie in with the way I am trying to live my life.  One of them stated: 

Resolve that every situation you encounter will make you better, stronger, wiser, more skillful, and more loving.

This is ultimately what life is all about.  We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond.  Not long ago, I came to a crossroads.  Would my marriage be over?  I knew that I was a good person and that I was being badly treated.  I could have packed up and moved on; but, at what cost?  I would have lost my family, and that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I would also have acted against my conscience, and again, that was a cost I was unwilling to pay.  I decided to face the situation, to be better, stronger, wiser, more skillful and more loving.  Now I begin every day resolved to be better than I was the day before.  I feel my life moving forward in amazing ways.

Another quote that I read stated:

The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said. ~Peter Drucker

This has been my most valuable skill in dealing with Cassandra.  I used to listen and hear only words.  When Cassandra was angry, I took her words as truth because they were stated with such conviction.  At some level I knew that what she said about me was not true, but I still allowed her words to penetrate.  Maybe I really did only care about money, about sex, about control, etc.

What is ironic and very beautiful is that one learns to communicate better by taking time to be silent.  Using meditation helped me to find the beautiful truth at my core.  This allowed me to listen better because I no longer had to defend myself from Cassandra’s angry words.  I knew the truth about me. I realize now that what is being said tells me a great deal about Cassandra.  She has unresolved issues about money, about sex and about control.  As I listen to her, I understand her better and better.

There are still times when I need to walk away from Cassandra briefly, and then get centered on the truth.  This happened most recently when Cassandra sank into a deep depression and raged out of control day after day.  I also needed, and still need, to get support from friends or a counselor at times.  All of that is OK; in fact it is really good because it keeps me moving forward in becoming a better person, and a better listener.

Amazing things happen when we listen.  Cassandra lives in a great deal of confusion.  Verbalizing helps her to make sense of the world.  The greatest blessing in recent months has been that she has begun to see a counselor herself.  She too is now being led on a path to understand herself better, to understand her feelings and reactions, to understand how her past affects her today.  All of this is very good.

To think that all of this, and so much more, could have been lost had I walked away.  When we face challenges with courage and persistence amazing things happen.  There is a power that moves us forward and moves us inward to discover THE amazing and beautiful TRUTH. 

Life is an amazing thing.  The key is to focus on the truth.  The truth, however, is not always obvious.  We live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  It seems at times that we are covered by a dark cloud.  That darkness is simply something that we must break through to find the truth on the other side. 

I heard a speaker this week talk about “taking on our giants.”  This was in reference to the story of David and Goliath from the Bible.  The appearance was that the shepherd boy David would be crushed by Goliath, the huge and fierce warrior.  The truth was that David was capable of finding the giant’s weakness and defeating him.

At times, Cassandra’s mental illness seems like a giant.  She is so irrational and her words are so fierce.  It appears that there is no hope.  Yet, I know that we live in a world of goodness, abundance and love.  I know that I love Cassandra, and there is nothing more powerful than love.  I know that with faith and persistence (which are really the same thing), I will break through and we will again live in peace and love.  Just over a month ago, this is exactly what happened.  I took down a giant.  Cassandra’s depression lifted as suddenly as it appeared several months earlier.

The challenge now is to move forward in healing.  I continue to listen to Cassandra with an open heart, and I am learning to talk about issues that need to be discussed in a non-threatening way.  I am learning to look at points of disagreement, not as Cassandra’s ideas, but as ideas that we need to discuss.  This becomes much less threatening for Cassandra.  Every day I learn and become a better person.

My marriage is indeed a blessing.  I look back over the last few years and I cannot believe how much I have learned, how much I have grown.  It is my constant hope and prayer that others who read my writings will embrace their marriages, look at the truth beyond appearances, and travel on an amazing road of self-discovery, full of goodness, abundance and love.