Thank you!

Thank you very much for reading my blog.  I am going to take a break from writing.  Please take some time to read my earlier blogs.  My journey with Cassandra has been, and continues to be, challenging and beautiful.  I have grown so much in Faith and self knowledge.  Thank you for sharing this journey with me.

In saying goodbye for now, I would like to share a few tools that I have found very useful:

The writings of Gary Thomas put Christian marriage into perspective, and I highly recommend checking them out.  Here is a link to one of his books:  http://www.garythomas.com/sacred-marriage

As I have said many times, Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Here is a link to learn more about that:  https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you on your journey!  Let's pray for one another.

Christian

Hosea

I have always loved the song Hosea.  As a young man, it spoke to me as the ideal of love.  I never thought of being loved, I just wanted to love someone, and this song spoke to my heart as the goal to strive for.  It is amazing how our thoughts become reality.  This is actually a good thing, we should all strive to love our spouses the way that God loves us, but it does pose a real challenge for us as humans.  Here are the words to the song:

 

Hosea

Gregory Norbert

© 1972 The Benedictine Foundation of the State of Vermont

Come back to me with all your heart.

Don't let fear keep us apart.

Trees do bend, though straight and tall

so must we, to other's call.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

The wilderness will lead you

to your heart where I will speak.

Integrity and justice,

With tenderness, you shall know.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

You shall sleep secure with peace;

faithfulness will be your joy.

Long have I waited for your coming,

home to me and living, deeply our new lives.

Being married to someone with depression is much like this song.  They are with us for a time, and suddenly they are gone.  We say, "Come back to me with all your heart.  Don't let fear keep us apart."  Fear rules Cassandra's heart when she is gone.

Then I notice that Cassandra physically separates from me, she goes into the wilderness, so to speak, and then comes back.  She stays until she is taken over by fear again.

In the end, she finds peace and is forever faithful.  We live together in joy.  That is the power of love.

I wish to clarify in saying that I am not perfect in love as God is perfect in love.  Along with the trauma of her past, my own humanity has contributed to Cassandra's fear.  One cannot forgive if one lives in fear.  Cassandra needs to find peace and security before she can forgive, before she can love.  Until that time comes, I continue to sing, "Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living, deeply our new lives."



 

Husbands Love Your Wives

I heard a very interesting lecture this week on the teachings of St. Catherine of Siena.  She likened a person’s spirituality to a tree.  The root of the tree, the root of our spirituality, is self-knowledge.  This really struck me.  For years, I believed what Cassandra said about me.  In the last few years, I have grown tremendously in self-knowledge, and thus my spirituality has grown and blossomed.  I am so much happier, and so much more at peace.  In doing so, I can see things that I never saw before.

At church this week, I heard the reading from Ephesians 5, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.”  Now, let’s look at that.  The Church has certainly not been perfect throughout history.  Many crimes were committed in the name of God, like the crusades and the inquisitions.  Still, Jesus forgave the Church for the suffering it caused His children, and the Church has learned from these mistakes.  The Church has also distorted the words of Christ to protect the interests of the powerful.  Jesus wants us to live abundant lives, but for so long people were told to accept their lot in life and that their reward would be in heaven.

I see so many parallels to this in my own life.  I see Cassandra doing hurtful things and twisting my words, making them unrecognizable to me.  Still, I am called to love her and be faithful.  “For better or for worse, in sickness and in health (and that includes mental health).” 

 The reading goes on to say that, “husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.”  Well, I do love and respect my body, and I believe in my tremendous healing capacity.  I rarely get sick because when I feel a virus coming into my system, I focus on the amazing power of my body to heal.  That is how I am to view Cassandra, with an amazing power to be well.  Know what the problem is, but focus on the solution.  “All will be well.”

May God fill you with Grace and peace.

Christian

Looking Back

Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I get myself into this situation?”  I believe that it is important to take full responsibility for where we are in life, and to acknowledge who we are.  For me, I know that I am a “helper”.  I was raised in an upper middle class home, and I’ve always wanted to share the blessings that I was given with others.  I spent a number of years as a missionary, always trying to serve the least fortunate.  As a teacher, I am most effective with students who really struggle.  It’s not that I have a saviour complex, I just like doing that sort of thing, and I find it really rewarding.  I just accept people for who they are, and we have a wonderful time together.

It is not surprising that I had the same attitude when finding a spouse.  Cassandra was a single mother with two young children when I met her.  She was also very intelligent and extremely beautiful.  I remembered learning that before a person goes into a new relationship, they need to heal from the last one.  Cassandra was going through a divorce, but hadn’t been with her first husband for quite some time.  On our first date I asked her, “Have you healed from your marriage?”  She thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I have.  I have two beautiful boys from the relationship and I’m thankful for them.”  What she meant was, “I’ve put things in perspective.”  Because I really wanted to be in a relationship with Cassandra, I heard, “Yes, I’m healed.  I’m ready to be in a relationship with you.”  Later I found out that Cassandra had been abused as a child, and that her first husband was also abusive.  I should have taken a step back from the relationship at that time, but I chose not to.  That was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it.  I’m not beating myself up over it, I did the best that I could with what I had to work with at that time.  I had the knowledge, but I lacked the wisdom.

It is said that God writes straight with crooked lines.  This time with Cassandra has been an amazing journey of self-discovery, especially the last two years.  Yes, Cassandra needs to finally heal, and I need to continue to move forward in life.  The solution may be for me to make a career change and work overseas.  The next few months will tell a great deal.  I am excited to see what happens.  Life is a beautiful adventure.  Take responsibility, and always be thankful.

Christian

Moving Forward

It is amazing how great life can be when you are moving forward and trying to make the world a better place.  This week I visited a Thought Field Therapy practitioner in order to learn about using this therapy for students in my school district.  What I found was an amazing tool that I want to share with readers of this blog.  The practitioner asked me to imagine a stressful situation.  I spoke about tension I feel when being confronted by Cassandra.  I never know what I am going to be met with when I walk through my front door.  What will I be accused of?  What have I “done” to upset Cassandra this time?  The practitioner was able to walk me through the feelings of this confrontation and I was able to let them go.  In doing so, I realized that Cassandra has no power over me.  I can simply walk away from her when she acts this way.  I also realized that, as Victor Frankl says, “Suffering ceases to be suffering when we give meaning to it.”  How many of my students feel the same way when they walk through the door of their homes?  How many of my readers feel this way?   What kind of a difference am I making in their lives because I know how they feel, and I can show them how to overcome the fear and thrive?

I also made another discovery this week.  I have written many times about how Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Though it is not linked to any particular spirituality, I have commented that it has deepened my Christian Faith.  I now understand why.  According to Thresholds of the Mind by Bill Harris, “You can approach this program (Holosync) from any religious point of view without compromising your faith.  You can think of it merely as a way of reordering your brain to help it accept life’s challenges and opportunities with greater equanimity and without fear.  If you are part of a faith community, however, you can use your faith as the center for the work you do through Centerpointe.”  (p. 10) He also states, and this is definitely what I experienced, “participants also report a deeper connection to the world around them, as well as a deeper connection to the Divine, God, Higher Power, the Universe (or however you understand the concept).” (p. 9)

We live in a beautiful and amazing world where new tools are being developed every day to help us to deal with the challenges we face and move forward in life.  When we become aware, when we are able to heal and forgive, we are able to once again find our true selves.  We are able to make positive choices and do great things.  Hopefully our loved ones choose to heal, forgive and move forward with us, but God has given us all free will and they must choose for themselves.

For more information on Thought Field Therapy, go to:  http://www.rogercallahan.com/index.php

For more information on Holosync meditation, go to: https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you with grace and peace on your journey of discovery!

Christian

The Alchemist

I returned home from camp this week.  It is good to be home.  I missed my family, as well as such comforts as sleeping in the same building where the bathroom is.  While I was away, I noticed that Cassandra had continued her efforts to move away from me.  She converted her office into a bedroom and moved out of the master bedroom.  She created a beautiful space for herself.  Some husbands may see that as a bad thing, but I understand Cassandra and understand her needs.  She came out of an abusive home, and has never been out of a relationship with a man for any significant length of time.  She has therefore never been able to come to a point of healing.  All of her relationships with men, except mine, have ended badly.  I have no problem giving her the space she needs to grow.  That is one of the reasons why I was so happy when I was at camp, I knew that Cassandra needed the time.  “If you love something, let it go.  If it returns to you it is yours, if it does not, it never was.”

This view on love is affirmed over and over in an amazing book that I am reading right now called The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  The boy in the story falls in love with a girl at a desert oasis.   He is struggling with leaving her to pursue his dream and continue on his journey.  She says to him, “I want you to continue toward your goal….the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes.  That is the way it will be with our love for each other.”  This also defines my love for Cassandra.  My role in loving her is to continue to support her in following her dreams, in finding herself, even if she does not realize it.

The Alchemist is about far more than relationships.  It is about pursuing our purpose in life.  As I read, I think of my own goals, my own dreams, my own destiny, my own Personal Legend.  It is a beautiful adventure.  In a way, a book like this is an oasis in the desert of life with a loved one with mental illness.  It is so important and beautiful to step away from the distorted reality of Cassandra and find Truth.  In doing so, I can analyze my journey toward my Personal Legend and realize that Cassandra is an important part of that.  In the chaos of her world, I have found myself, just as Victor Frankl found truth and inner power in Nazi concentration camps.  There is nothing in the universe that can stop a person from moving toward his/her own Personal Legend, except for the choices that we ourselves make. Life is a beautiful adventure!

The Eagle

July 29, 2012

I have not written my blog for almost two months.  I still continue to write, however.  Writing is so powerful and so healing.   Cassandra’s depression returned in late May.  Life with her has again become a great challenge.

At this moment, I am away from home working in a beautiful Christian summer camp.  I love my work here, and I love this place.  On Friday, after the campers went home, I took out a kayak on my own.  I paddled on the calm waters of a huge lake.  I could see a town and cottages in a distance, but mostly I saw the vast power of nature.  I could see God’s hand at work and I could feel the immensity of his blessing.  I saw a beautiful bald eagle perched in a tree.  I stopped and just watched, and I was so thankful.  What blessings are showered upon me!  How many people in our fast paced modern world are able to silently embrace the beauty and power of our amazing world?

I have been away from Cassandra and my home for over two weeks now.  Cassandra rarely wants to talk on the phone.  She and our children are in my prayers, but I do enjoy the time away.  I’ve been doing this job for three years.  In the past, I felt restless without my family around.  Now I am aware that this is part of the healing process.  I embrace that fact, and I am happy.  I also realize that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I pray for Cassandra to choose to heal.  If she chooses not to, my life continues on.  Children are eventually drawn to the parent who is kind, loving and understanding.  I don’t have to fight for my children, I don’t have to compete with Cassandra for their attention, they know that I love and accept them and always welcome the time that we are able to spend together.  All will be well.

A few days before I left home, Cassandra was ranting.  I closed my eyes and simply listened.  I could see Cassandra hanging from a rope in a bombed out city.  Then she mentioned Lourdes, France.  When she was a child, a very kind teacher from her elementary school took Cassandra and another girl from her class to Lourdes.  I could see Cassandra walking into a clearing.  This was the one point in her life where she found peace.  Lourdes is a place renowned for healing.  I found a novena (a nine day series of prayers) to Our Lady of Lourdes.  I began praying it every night.  The day after I completed the novena, Cassandra told me that she would like to go to a counselor together again.  There are indeed forces much more powerful than ourselves working in the universe.  I am not sure what will come of this, but I know that all will be well.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope to be able to write again next week.  May the blessings of the Lord be upon you.