Looking Back

Have you ever asked yourself, “How did I get myself into this situation?”  I believe that it is important to take full responsibility for where we are in life, and to acknowledge who we are.  For me, I know that I am a “helper”.  I was raised in an upper middle class home, and I’ve always wanted to share the blessings that I was given with others.  I spent a number of years as a missionary, always trying to serve the least fortunate.  As a teacher, I am most effective with students who really struggle.  It’s not that I have a saviour complex, I just like doing that sort of thing, and I find it really rewarding.  I just accept people for who they are, and we have a wonderful time together.

It is not surprising that I had the same attitude when finding a spouse.  Cassandra was a single mother with two young children when I met her.  She was also very intelligent and extremely beautiful.  I remembered learning that before a person goes into a new relationship, they need to heal from the last one.  Cassandra was going through a divorce, but hadn’t been with her first husband for quite some time.  On our first date I asked her, “Have you healed from your marriage?”  She thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I have.  I have two beautiful boys from the relationship and I’m thankful for them.”  What she meant was, “I’ve put things in perspective.”  Because I really wanted to be in a relationship with Cassandra, I heard, “Yes, I’m healed.  I’m ready to be in a relationship with you.”  Later I found out that Cassandra had been abused as a child, and that her first husband was also abusive.  I should have taken a step back from the relationship at that time, but I chose not to.  That was my mistake, and I take full responsibility for it.  I’m not beating myself up over it, I did the best that I could with what I had to work with at that time.  I had the knowledge, but I lacked the wisdom.

It is said that God writes straight with crooked lines.  This time with Cassandra has been an amazing journey of self-discovery, especially the last two years.  Yes, Cassandra needs to finally heal, and I need to continue to move forward in life.  The solution may be for me to make a career change and work overseas.  The next few months will tell a great deal.  I am excited to see what happens.  Life is a beautiful adventure.  Take responsibility, and always be thankful.

Christian

Moving Forward

It is amazing how great life can be when you are moving forward and trying to make the world a better place.  This week I visited a Thought Field Therapy practitioner in order to learn about using this therapy for students in my school district.  What I found was an amazing tool that I want to share with readers of this blog.  The practitioner asked me to imagine a stressful situation.  I spoke about tension I feel when being confronted by Cassandra.  I never know what I am going to be met with when I walk through my front door.  What will I be accused of?  What have I “done” to upset Cassandra this time?  The practitioner was able to walk me through the feelings of this confrontation and I was able to let them go.  In doing so, I realized that Cassandra has no power over me.  I can simply walk away from her when she acts this way.  I also realized that, as Victor Frankl says, “Suffering ceases to be suffering when we give meaning to it.”  How many of my students feel the same way when they walk through the door of their homes?  How many of my readers feel this way?   What kind of a difference am I making in their lives because I know how they feel, and I can show them how to overcome the fear and thrive?

I also made another discovery this week.  I have written many times about how Holosync meditation has made a huge difference in my life.  Though it is not linked to any particular spirituality, I have commented that it has deepened my Christian Faith.  I now understand why.  According to Thresholds of the Mind by Bill Harris, “You can approach this program (Holosync) from any religious point of view without compromising your faith.  You can think of it merely as a way of reordering your brain to help it accept life’s challenges and opportunities with greater equanimity and without fear.  If you are part of a faith community, however, you can use your faith as the center for the work you do through Centerpointe.”  (p. 10) He also states, and this is definitely what I experienced, “participants also report a deeper connection to the world around them, as well as a deeper connection to the Divine, God, Higher Power, the Universe (or however you understand the concept).” (p. 9)

We live in a beautiful and amazing world where new tools are being developed every day to help us to deal with the challenges we face and move forward in life.  When we become aware, when we are able to heal and forgive, we are able to once again find our true selves.  We are able to make positive choices and do great things.  Hopefully our loved ones choose to heal, forgive and move forward with us, but God has given us all free will and they must choose for themselves.

For more information on Thought Field Therapy, go to:  http://www.rogercallahan.com/index.php

For more information on Holosync meditation, go to: https://www.centerpointe.com/?aid=373010

May God bless you with grace and peace on your journey of discovery!

Christian

The Alchemist

I returned home from camp this week.  It is good to be home.  I missed my family, as well as such comforts as sleeping in the same building where the bathroom is.  While I was away, I noticed that Cassandra had continued her efforts to move away from me.  She converted her office into a bedroom and moved out of the master bedroom.  She created a beautiful space for herself.  Some husbands may see that as a bad thing, but I understand Cassandra and understand her needs.  She came out of an abusive home, and has never been out of a relationship with a man for any significant length of time.  She has therefore never been able to come to a point of healing.  All of her relationships with men, except mine, have ended badly.  I have no problem giving her the space she needs to grow.  That is one of the reasons why I was so happy when I was at camp, I knew that Cassandra needed the time.  “If you love something, let it go.  If it returns to you it is yours, if it does not, it never was.”

This view on love is affirmed over and over in an amazing book that I am reading right now called The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho.  The boy in the story falls in love with a girl at a desert oasis.   He is struggling with leaving her to pursue his dream and continue on his journey.  She says to him, “I want you to continue toward your goal….the dunes are changed by the wind, but the desert never changes.  That is the way it will be with our love for each other.”  This also defines my love for Cassandra.  My role in loving her is to continue to support her in following her dreams, in finding herself, even if she does not realize it.

The Alchemist is about far more than relationships.  It is about pursuing our purpose in life.  As I read, I think of my own goals, my own dreams, my own destiny, my own Personal Legend.  It is a beautiful adventure.  In a way, a book like this is an oasis in the desert of life with a loved one with mental illness.  It is so important and beautiful to step away from the distorted reality of Cassandra and find Truth.  In doing so, I can analyze my journey toward my Personal Legend and realize that Cassandra is an important part of that.  In the chaos of her world, I have found myself, just as Victor Frankl found truth and inner power in Nazi concentration camps.  There is nothing in the universe that can stop a person from moving toward his/her own Personal Legend, except for the choices that we ourselves make. Life is a beautiful adventure!

The Eagle

July 29, 2012

I have not written my blog for almost two months.  I still continue to write, however.  Writing is so powerful and so healing.   Cassandra’s depression returned in late May.  Life with her has again become a great challenge.

At this moment, I am away from home working in a beautiful Christian summer camp.  I love my work here, and I love this place.  On Friday, after the campers went home, I took out a kayak on my own.  I paddled on the calm waters of a huge lake.  I could see a town and cottages in a distance, but mostly I saw the vast power of nature.  I could see God’s hand at work and I could feel the immensity of his blessing.  I saw a beautiful bald eagle perched in a tree.  I stopped and just watched, and I was so thankful.  What blessings are showered upon me!  How many people in our fast paced modern world are able to silently embrace the beauty and power of our amazing world?

I have been away from Cassandra and my home for over two weeks now.  Cassandra rarely wants to talk on the phone.  She and our children are in my prayers, but I do enjoy the time away.  I’ve been doing this job for three years.  In the past, I felt restless without my family around.  Now I am aware that this is part of the healing process.  I embrace that fact, and I am happy.  I also realize that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  I pray for Cassandra to choose to heal.  If she chooses not to, my life continues on.  Children are eventually drawn to the parent who is kind, loving and understanding.  I don’t have to fight for my children, I don’t have to compete with Cassandra for their attention, they know that I love and accept them and always welcome the time that we are able to spend together.  All will be well.

A few days before I left home, Cassandra was ranting.  I closed my eyes and simply listened.  I could see Cassandra hanging from a rope in a bombed out city.  Then she mentioned Lourdes, France.  When she was a child, a very kind teacher from her elementary school took Cassandra and another girl from her class to Lourdes.  I could see Cassandra walking into a clearing.  This was the one point in her life where she found peace.  Lourdes is a place renowned for healing.  I found a novena (a nine day series of prayers) to Our Lady of Lourdes.  I began praying it every night.  The day after I completed the novena, Cassandra told me that she would like to go to a counselor together again.  There are indeed forces much more powerful than ourselves working in the universe.  I am not sure what will come of this, but I know that all will be well.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog.  I hope to be able to write again next week.  May the blessings of the Lord be upon you.

June 4, 2012

Somehow Cassandra found out about my blog, and she has asked me to stop.

My intention has always been to share my story of love and acceptance of another person, and to inspire others to do the same. 

I do believe that all things happen for a reason, and the reason for this recent set back will be revealed in time.  As Julian of Norwich said, "All will be well".

Thank you for reading and thank you for your wonderful feedback.  I will resume this blog when I can. 

May your lives be filled with blessings and peace!

Christian

The Power of Forgiveness

May 27, 2012

 I came across a beautiful quote by Mahatma Gandhi this week, “The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

How misunderstood forgiveness is in our world.  It is seen by many as giving in, as letting others take advantage of us.  This is not the case at all, for those who really forgive are people of tremendous power.

I really don’t know if I truly understood forgiveness until I read Left to Tell by Immaculée Ilibagiza.  I know that I have mentioned this before, but that is simply because it had such a tremendous impact on me.  Immaculée, a survivor of the Rwandan Genocide, was able to face the man who killed her mother and brother and who wanted to kill her, and say, “I forgive you.”  She thus took power over her circumstance and moved forward to be the person she was truly meant to be.

In forgiving Cassandra, I am able to let go of any hurt feelings, any resentment, any pain.  I am really able to follow the example of Jesus on the cross when he said, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do.”  Cassandra really does not know what she is doing when she says hurtful things to me.  It is her pain that is talking, it is her inability to forgive, it is her depression.  It has very little to do with me.  Because she is unaware of why she is acting as she is, she really “does not know what she does.”  Of course I forgive her. 

I don’t know if I can put into words the transformation that took place in me after I read Immaculée’s book.  It was certainly a moment of empowerment.  I could not control what Cassandra said or did, but I could control my response to it.  Forgiveness released me from her pain and from her judgement.  I had certainly become strong.

I had always believed that good was more powerful than evil, but I didn’t understand how it could be since evil caused so much pain in the world that good seemed powerless to overcome.  Now I understood.  I did not need to seek vengeance against Cassandra.  I did not have to justify myself to her.  I simply needed to forgive, and forgiving has freed me to love more deeply.  It is almost like a parent’s attitude toward their child.  We accept, we forgive, we love and we move on to the next adventure in life.  Our children learn from the natural consequences of their actions, the experience of being loved and accepted, and grow to be the people that they are meant to be.  It is the same when we are forgiven by God for our transgressions.  Even if we make the same mistake over and over, we are forgiven over and over, and eventually we become the people we are meant to be. 

As a result of forgiveness, I have seen Cassandra begin to blossom.  There is a transformation taking place.  I cannot speak for her thoughts, I can only speak for my own.   I accept that things she has said and done have been hurtful.   I release that hurt and I forgive.  The hurt is gone, and I move forward in loving myself and in loving Cassandra and our children.  That is true strength.  Perhaps it is why Cassandra has chosen to change for the better.

Monday, May 21, 2012

First of all, my apologies to readers who looked for my blog yesterday.  That brings me to an important realization in living with a person who struggle with mental illness.  Sometimes it is necessary to drop what is important to me due to the needs of my partner.  I suppose this is normal in any relationship, but it is even more so in a case like mine.  Certain things seem to trigger Cassandra.  These include doing extra work for my job at home, sleeping when she is not sleeping, working on a computer, and being too busy to meet her needs.  I suspect that this has to do with being rejected or ignored as a child, but I cannot say for sure.  What is important is to know that it is part of my reality.

That brings me to an excellent quote that I came across this week.  Anthony Robbins states, "Identify your problems but give your power and energy to solutions.”

Cassandra has her struggles with depression, anger and anxiety.  She can be very reactive and her words can be harsh and cruel.  That is a fact.  What is more important, however, is the solution.  The solution in my case was to first become aware of my own goodness.  Thus I can see clearly which difficulties in our relationship are caused by me, and which are caused by Cassandra’s struggles.  This allowsme to see the truth and to come up with further solutions.  These solutions may be taking time to listen, putting down what I am doing to help Cassandra, supporting her goals, putting my wants aside, taking time for myself by meditating, exercising or learning, and simply growing in awareness as to the challenges of living with a person who struggles so greatly to make sense of the world.

These efforts are not without reward.  Through counselling, reading and reflection, Cassandra has begun to question her world view.  She asks questions that she never would have asked before.  Instead of asking, “Why did that person speak to me so disrespectfully?”   She is asking, “Why am I reacting to this person this way?  Did they really mean to be disrespectful, or am I reading too much into this?”  That is tremendous progress, and the thought of it gives me great joy.

Give power and energy to your solutions.  Have a wonderful week!

Christian